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My Retarded Cat

Tragedy struck my household Wednesday when my retarded cat, Snowball, decided it would be a great idea to eat a piece of the couch, the neighbors Hummel collection and some straw. I came home to the lovely sight of vomit sprayed in little spots on the carpet, and after an awesome projectile vomit exhibition, I decided to take her to the vet. The X-rays showed without a doubt that there was inedible material such as plastic and fabric in her GI tract, and there was no choice but to do exploratory surgery on her. I imagine it was like the scene in Jaws where they cut the shark’s stomach open and pull out bunch of crap, tossing it on the ground behind them. I wouldn’t be surprised if they found a Rhode Island license plate or a child’s leg in there.

So I guess this is just an elaborate way of saying there is no real update this week because I’m busy taking care of my goofball cat & watching football. But I’ll tell you what, just so it sort of looks like a real update to the people that just skim the words I’ll create a list of things they found in my cat’s stomach. 😉

  • Twine
  • Ribbon
  • 4 dimes
  • Milkduds
  • The Entire DVD set of The Sopranos, Season 3
  • A Boy and His Blob” for NES
  • The Colonel’s secret recipe
  • 50 pack of Magnum X-Large condoms
  • Donald Duck Pez dispenser
  • Box of nails
  • Alan wrench
  • Hammer
  • Toolbox
  • The original draft of the Declaration of Independence (As seen in the movie “National Treasure”)
  • Entire collection of the “Left Behind” series hardback edition.
  • Jimmy Hoffa’s femur
  • Amelia Earhart’s plane
  • Steven Segal’s career
  • The University of California at Berkley hopes and dreams of a national title.

Until later sometime this week…


Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time a fool started to believe..
a fool started to dream
a fool started to feel
a fool heard “I love you”
a fool said “I love you too”
a fool started to care
a fool started to wish
a fool gave his heart

Once upon a time a fool started to bleed…
a fool started to feel pain
a fool started to feel anger
a fool started to feel lonely
a fool started to feel lonesome
a fool started to feel rejected
a fool started to feel forsaken
a fool started to feel mocked
a fool started to feel despair
a fool started to feel lifeless

This fool keeps loving
keeps longing
keeps bleeding
keeps drowning his lungs with screams

Once upon a time a fool felt loved…
a fool felt warm
a fool felt calm
a fool felt full of hope

Once upon a time a man stated to feel like a fool
Once upon a time a fool started to write
Once upon a time a fool wrote “Once upon a time….”

A Decade Melanie & Rhonda you two better pay attention.

I’ve been at my place of employment for over a decade. Let’s break the numbers and see what a decade is.

  • 315,360,000 seconds
  • 52,560,00 minutes
  • 87,600 hours
  • 3650 days

In todays world that’s an eternity to be at place of employment. I’m comfortable there. I’m well like and very well respected. I’m in a great position of being the only small group medical underwriter. Granted I have also given a lot to the company including countless overtime hours that I’ll never get paid due to me being on salary. I’ve even worked a couple of Thanksgiving mornings and a Christmas as well. I believe in my company. My job is who I am, and with no living family members, it’s the only thing I have left in this life and I’m not subject to change.
Continue reading ‘A Decade Melanie & Rhonda you two better pay attention.’

A Ghost

What is a ghost?

A tragedy doomed to repeat itself time & again?

A moment of pain perhaps…

Something dead which still seems to be alive

An emotion suspended in time

Like a blurred photograph

Like an insect trapped in amber

A ghost

That’s what I have become….

It’s been 3 years and 5 days and I’m still not over it

The following piece was written 3 years and 5 days ago, it is the most darkest period of my life to date. Someone whom I’m sure is reading this mentioned that they believe I’m still bothered by it. They’re goddamn right I am… This is the reason I’ve been in a foul mood lately…and dark mood lately when will it ever end?

An open letter to someone that they will never read

Dearest Clarissa

I’ll never forget the first day I met you. How quickly the friendship formed. We both agreed if there truly was a thing called fate, our friendship was it. Even though it was against company policy, we even dated for a while. Though it didn’t work out, our friendship did strengthen, which is rather unheard of in some circles. I remember how we would have to stifle our laughter when someone at work would say things like “My God you two are just alike, you two should be together.” Then I met another and you as well, but the friendship never deterred. We were always there for one another. Remember what we agreed too? How if neither one of us was married by in five years, we would break down the fears, get married and live happily ever after. We would jokingly say we were two lost souls that should be with each another, but we are opting out for other options. I always loved you as a friend and sometimes I thought I was in love with you. Why even last Friday you called me, you stated you needed someone to be there with you, and I was. We watched Fahrenheit 9/11 while laughing at the lies that movie told. We made plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas in case we weren’t involved with others. That was before…the betrayal you have committed.

Now a little over 24 hours since I last saw you. I’m observing the destruction your actions have caused. You have shattered lives and seriously damaged others. I noticed the change in you and literally begged you to tell me what was bothering you. But my cries were silent in your ears…sometimes I felt like I was always falling down the same hill and my cries were like bamboo puncturing the skin and nothing comes bleeding out, just like the waterfall you were drowning in.

What you did is unfair to everyone. You were always stubborn and you had to have things your way. But, damn you this is ridiculous. Everyone is coming to me with questions, for which I have no answers. The haunting look I saw in your parents eyes this morning, has been burned in to my soul. Tomorrow I will have to deliver the news of your betrayal to people at work. Even though I love you at the same time I hate you. I hate you for the pain and horror you have caused. I hate you for giving me this cross to bear that leaves a void. How did your waterfall get so big? How did it get so strong? What you gave to me, a perfect ring of scars, you know I can still see the beautiful soul you are.

I realize this is just the beginning of the nightmare. I have always known you too be a little selfish, but I would have never dreamed this is the extent it went. You always said you wanted to leave a legacy. Is this what you wanted to leave? Is this how you wanted to be remembered? As a betrayer, a false prophet of hope and a coward rolled into one. I hope you find the peace you craved, I truly do. When I met you, I never would have believed that the last time I see you, will be this week. I’ll be in a suit of black; I’ll wear the tie you gave me. Your dad asked me to be a pallbearer in your funeral. He then asked me “What was going on in your mind when you decided to take a whole bottle of Ambien?” For that I have no answer. And for some reason I doubt that I ever will. I would have tried to dam the waterfall you were in, if you would have allowed me. Now I’m forever scared with the knowledge that most likely I was the last person to see you alive, and the last person to hug you good-bye. Damn you Clarissa, you selfish bitch. I don’t deserve this. NONE OF US DO!!! Nevertheless I’ll always remember you and the friendship we shared, but know this; the memories will be tainted…

It was too shallow.
It’s too soon.
The rain would arrive and it would show.

Curled, Cold, Dead.
It’s too small.
People are not people.

She said sorry.
It’s too hard.
My hands weren’t there to keep her warm.

Putrefied, informed, festering
hearts for this one life
is too small.

And the past shall to rise…

Yeah yeah I know, I’m late. I’m stressed to the point of an ulcer and I have writers block. But who cares? Not me…at least not much longer.

Give your heart to a stranger
Turn your back on a friend
Walk away, unafraid of the end
Hang the day on a promise
Breaking overhead
The pieces fall, they haven’t cut me yet
Dare me to watch your moon
Disappear into a trembling night
The end could feel allright

Through a window, open every door
No use holding on

Now you are a stranger
We’ll never talk again
But you’re everywhere, all we could’ve been
Whatever I hoped to find
The answer or the perfect lie
I let it pass me by

We share the pain, some rise again
Let me be

This Empty Void

When I look inside, I see nothing. I feel nothing but this empty void that is consuming me… Controlling me… Tearing me apart. When I try to feel something, there’s nothing to be felt. I try to know myself, but I can’t. My own existence is nothing but a shadow that runs away from me each time I try to pursue it. It slips from my hands each time I seize it, like a scared child that fights to be freed from the monsters of her nightmare.

And then, they come and try to steal these thoughts from me. My thoughts.

They try to make these thoughts vanish by saying our existence isn’t supposed to be discovered. We cannot think such things for they’re too dangerous for us. By saying they can lead us to folly. By saying they can lead us to death. And even though it scares me, I don’t care. I know they’re lying. I know they are scared that I might fly away from them and find my true essence. To be free from their mind-controlling grasp.

All I want is to find myself… Know myself… Love myself. To stop feeling this emptiness inside. For being empty is the worst thing one can be.

And I wonder if that will ever happen…

I don’t know… But I wanted it to… I wanted it so much… But I can’t do it alone. I need someone to help me to feel… The good and the bad. Love and hatred. Death and Life. Loyalty and betrayal. Salvation and damnation. I’ll discover who I am then…

Someone, please… Find me.

July 2018
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