This Empty Void

When I look inside, I see nothing. I feel nothing but this empty void that is consuming me… Controlling me… Tearing me apart. When I try to feel something, there’s nothing to be felt. I try to know myself, but I can’t. My own existence is nothing but a shadow that runs away from me each time I try to pursue it. It slips from my hands each time I seize it, like a scared child that fights to be freed from the monsters of her nightmare.

And then, they come and try to steal these thoughts from me. My thoughts.

They try to make these thoughts vanish by saying our existence isn’t supposed to be discovered. We cannot think such things for they’re too dangerous for us. By saying they can lead us to folly. By saying they can lead us to death. And even though it scares me, I don’t care. I know they’re lying. I know they are scared that I might fly away from them and find my true essence. To be free from their mind-controlling grasp.

All I want is to find myself… Know myself… Love myself. To stop feeling this emptiness inside. For being empty is the worst thing one can be.

And I wonder if that will ever happen…

I don’t know… But I wanted it to… I wanted it so much… But I can’t do it alone. I need someone to help me to feel… The good and the bad. Love and hatred. Death and Life. Loyalty and betrayal. Salvation and damnation. I’ll discover who I am then…

Someone, please… Find me.

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2 Responses to “This Empty Void”


  1. 1 abarclay12 October 8, 2007 at 6:40 pm

    Well, I don’t know if I found you, but I totally found your blog, and I enjoy reading it. You’ll figure it, whatever “it” is out. At least you know you’re a writer. I know that.

  2. 2 solardrift December 31, 2008 at 3:42 am

    I found you too.

    You are a thinking, like me, a searcher after truth, maybe it is time wasted, going round and round in circles like a guinea pig on a wheel. maybe not. maybe this thinking is worthwhile. it will lead you to make dramatic discoveries about your self and this life. either way it is painful. it can drive you mad with distraction, or else, worse, to inertia and nothingness. the ancients had ways and means of dealing with the emptiness. they had shamans, and gods, chanting and drumming. today we have drink and drugs, shopping and tv. the emptiness is both within and without.

    i think it’s important to find your own meaning. search for answers where you least expect to find them. delve deeper into the ancient and the mystical. but don’t forget to play too. lightness is fun to explore, yin and yang. balance is the key.

    the problem in this life, in our culture, is that we have no real respect for this type of thinking. if it’s not about making money, it’s not regarded as important. that leaves us ‘thinkers’ on our own. without grounding, without support. in other cultures we may have been regarded as seers, shamans, or wise folk. and people may have sought us out for advice. instead in this world of capitalism and consumer culture we are cast adrift. alone. to figure it all out. that’s what can drive you mad.

    you call to be ‘found’ by someone is perfectly normal. i feel the same. you will find someone… or else they will find you.

    peace


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