The following piece was written 3 years and 5 days ago, it is the most darkest period of my life to date. Someone whom I’m sure is reading this mentioned that they believe I’m still bothered by it. They’re goddamn right I am… This is the reason I’ve been in a foul mood lately…and dark mood lately when will it ever end?
An open letter to someone that they will never read
Dearest Clarissa
I’ll never forget the first day I met you. How quickly the friendship formed. We both agreed if there truly was a thing called fate, our friendship was it. Even though it was against company policy, we even dated for a while. Though it didn’t work out, our friendship did strengthen, which is rather unheard of in some circles. I remember how we would have to stifle our laughter when someone at work would say things like “My God you two are just alike, you two should be together.” Then I met another and you as well, but the friendship never deterred. We were always there for one another. Remember what we agreed too? How if neither one of us was married by in five years, we would break down the fears, get married and live happily ever after. We would jokingly say we were two lost souls that should be with each another, but we are opting out for other options. I always loved you as a friend and sometimes I thought I was in love with you. Why even last Friday you called me, you stated you needed someone to be there with you, and I was. We watched Fahrenheit 9/11 while laughing at the lies that movie told. We made plans for Thanksgiving and Christmas in case we weren’t involved with others. That was before…the betrayal you have committed.
Now a little over 24 hours since I last saw you. I’m observing the destruction your actions have caused. You have shattered lives and seriously damaged others. I noticed the change in you and literally begged you to tell me what was bothering you. But my cries were silent in your ears…sometimes I felt like I was always falling down the same hill and my cries were like bamboo puncturing the skin and nothing comes bleeding out, just like the waterfall you were drowning in.
What you did is unfair to everyone. You were always stubborn and you had to have things your way. But, damn you this is ridiculous. Everyone is coming to me with questions, for which I have no answers. The haunting look I saw in your parents eyes this morning, has been burned in to my soul. Tomorrow I will have to deliver the news of your betrayal to people at work. Even though I love you at the same time I hate you. I hate you for the pain and horror you have caused. I hate you for giving me this cross to bear that leaves a void. How did your waterfall get so big? How did it get so strong? What you gave to me, a perfect ring of scars, you know I can still see the beautiful soul you are.
I realize this is just the beginning of the nightmare. I have always known you too be a little selfish, but I would have never dreamed this is the extent it went. You always said you wanted to leave a legacy. Is this what you wanted to leave? Is this how you wanted to be remembered? As a betrayer, a false prophet of hope and a coward rolled into one. I hope you find the peace you craved, I truly do. When I met you, I never would have believed that the last time I see you, will be this week. I’ll be in a suit of black; I’ll wear the tie you gave me. Your dad asked me to be a pallbearer in your funeral. He then asked me “What was going on in your mind when you decided to take a whole bottle of Ambien?” For that I have no answer. And for some reason I doubt that I ever will. I would have tried to dam the waterfall you were in, if you would have allowed me. Now I’m forever scared with the knowledge that most likely I was the last person to see you alive, and the last person to hug you good-bye. Damn you Clarissa, you selfish bitch. I don’t deserve this. NONE OF US DO!!! Nevertheless I’ll always remember you and the friendship we shared, but know this; the memories will be tainted…
It was too shallow.
It’s too soon.
The rain would arrive and it would show.
Curled, Cold, Dead.
It’s too small.
People are not people.
She said sorry.
It’s too hard.
My hands weren’t there to keep her warm.
Putrefied, informed, festering
hearts for this one life
is too small.
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