How To Respond To Spam

I recently received some career advice from a friend I have never met, and began a correspondence with him that will long be fruitful and intellectually challenging. Below you will find his note to me followed by my response, as I thought you may be interested. I found his ideas on the texture of universe to be quite interesting.

The e-mail From Brian:
Dear friend,
A couple of years ago, I was pretty happy with my career. Then the bubble burst and my career path became very unstable. Now, I’m still relatively young and I have a long working life ahead of me. And, just like you, I want to be fairly compensated for my efforts. So, I became pretty frustrated when I didn’t have the degree I needed to make the job transition I wanted. And, I certainly didn’t have the time or money to go back to school for full-time ‘retraining.’ Then, I checked out this site. You can find out information on hundreds of programs. Its all free, with no obligation.

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Check it out, it’s the best career move I ever made.

{another link}

Good luck,
Brian Ralph Johnson

My response:

I’m glad that you have finally found something that works for you, Brian, I know it has been a long road of disappointment and misery for you, and it was surely your time to do something that would give your life meaning. I find it bold and selfless that you would attempt to help even those you do not personally know to achieve your level of success in life. But you have not mentioned your personal life! Have you finally met a woman, Brian? The search for a soul-mate is one that requires a social flexibility that I fear you lack. Forever bombarding those around you with career advice is no way to attract a woman with the pizazz that you require, Brian. However, I would think that your new level of prosperity has drawn the women like flies to a tasty meal! Are there perhaps little Brian Ralph Johnsons on the way? I can imagine nothing better then to have your spirit of charity and good will mixed with common sense spread amongst the younger generation.

I myself am doing well, though I perused your career advancing programs diligently, I am sadly unable to read or write, which limits the scope of my climb up the corporate ladder. But, if he cannot write, nor read you puzzle, how is he composing this e-mail which I have printed out so that I can peruse at my leisure on my bearskin rug? Luckily I have in my possession a pair of slave typists that obey me when I need a written this or a spell-check on that. I saved their parents in the flood of ‘84 and to me they have pledged their loyalty.

Ah but I am rambling, and no doubt you have much to do to keep your empire afloat. Time is money, as they say, and if that is true, you should have all the time in the world! But I fear I only amuse myself with my jokes, and it’s poker night.

Have a pleasant day, you douche bag